Never Fear Shadows

I was not dealt an easy life, by any means. I have had moments where I really did not think it was worth it to continue and seriously questioned my purpose in this world. I, like anyone with a slight problem, blamed my parents for all my issues. A non-existent father and a mother who had her priorities in the exact opposite order of what I believed a parent should have them. The first 19 years of my life were not terrible, I was not physically abused, I did not go without ANY material items, and I had all the freedom a teen could dream of. Looking back, I now realize that these things probably contribute to the negative emotions I still fight sometimes. Although I have finally found real love, stability, comfort, and happiness, I still sometimes think about my days in the dark and pity myself just a smidgen.

Even though I hate some of the things I went through, especially in my later teenage years, I have realized that the portion of my life spent in the shadows is now over. Instead of blaming my parents and allowing myself to make poor choices, I have taught myself to forgive and make the most positive decisions I can. So many people are obsessed with their youth. Sometimes people spend their entire adult life wishing they were young again and did not have the responsibilities they have as adults. Sometimes they strive to look the exact same as they did when they were a teen. Sometimes they allow the negative parts of childhood to impact they way they raise a family and contribute to a marriage. Instead of being so obsessed with youth, is it not way more important to do your best in the present? Most of life is spent as an adult, growing older, maturing physically and mentally, as well as becoming wise with experience. Why can people not just let go of the challenging childhood and move on to the most important and rewarding part of life? The part of life that we are in the majority of the time we are on this earth. 

Instead of being sad that I am no longer a young person who has little cares, I am so happy that I am finally a person who has all kinds of responsibilities. Some people say that I am not who I used to be, but what I realized is that who I used to be is not truly who I was. I was not being myself at that time because my emotions were running wild. I have finally found my true self and am more than content with the way I am. But I would not be this happy with myself, my choices, or my life, if I had not had those moments of darkness in my youth. I have forgiven those who contributed to those feelings, even if they had not apologized. And I have found the real me that was lying beneath the whole time.

"Never fear shadows. For shadows only mean there is a light somewhere near by."

Valentine's Day

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and it was a wonderful day. Detrick had made a valentine box and we had little cards ready for the boys with very small treats attached. Bobby had went a little overboard and got me flowers, reese's cups, AND chocolate covered strawberries this year, which I did not complain about. I got him a little mix of some of his favorite things, but nothing too crazy. We also made a nice big lunch/supper for us (which was ridiculously delicious, might I say) before he had work in the evening. It really was just a fun, happy day.

I love getting flowers. I LOVE chocolate covered strawberries. And I especially love the thoughtful, seemingly custom made cards my husband somehow finds for me. (He really is THE BEST card-picker-outer EVER!) And getting them all at once is great, but I am very thankful that I get things like this more than once a year. Some people really hate Valentine's Day for this reason. They think it is important to show love to your partner all through the year and not just on one day. I totally agree, but I also think it is really neat that there is one specific day set aside each year for couples to really think about their relationship and focus on their love for each other. If a couple is having a hard time, Valentine's Day could be that one day for them to really get back on the same page, who knows! Even if it is just a hallmark holiday, taking our money for pretty much no reason, I think it is a perfectly fine "holiday."

Back to the point, I am so very grateful to have a husband who pampers me year round. I almost always have fresh flowers on the table, especially in the summer, that my husband surprised me with for no reason. When he goes to the store and sees something I would like that is small, he grabs it for me. He sometimes even gets me cards for no occasion or reason. But most importantly, he shows that he loves me every single day of his life. My favorite "gifts" from him are when he allows me to sleep in and gets up with the boys, when he unloads the dishwasher, when he vacuums, or when he simply comes home from work and says, "Let's just relax and watch a movie together tonight." These are the types of gifts that women should appreciate most. Instead of being concerned with the dollar amount of the gift or the quality of the item, why not see and appreciate the dollar amount that your husband contributes to support your family, and the quality of the relationship you have with him. If you are able to see and appreciate these "gifts" he is giving you all the time, you will be plenty happy with these extra treats that arrive on Valentine's Day. And to the men, these are the types of gifts that men should give their wives most often. When you see your wife looking beautiful, tell her! When you hear her make a small mention of something she would like, grab it for her next time you run to the store. When she starts being grumpy (for lack of a more appropriate word) because she is exhausted, let her sleep a little. And when she is feeling down, give her some undivided attention. Give her the gift of love everyday of her life, that is what marriage, or any long term commitment, is all about. For all the ladies out there with a man who gives you wonderful gifts everyday of your life together, congratulations and great job! And for the ladies who do not have a man who shows his love for her by doing these simple, helpful tasks, wait for him! These men exist and are out there, and being in this type of relationship is the most rewarding.

I also want to send a big THANK YOU to my husband for being my valentine everyday and for being a real man everyday. I am fortunate to have a man who is so nurturing and thoughtful, and I could not ever express how much I appreciate all the gifts he gives me on a daily basis.

Taking Candy From a Baby

This afternoon, Detrick was such a great boy! He asked if he could watch a show, and when I said no, he responded in a funny way. He said, "Fine, if we don't... I mean- Okay, Mom." 

To understand what is happening here, you must first understand that lately Detrick has been using my own bribery methods against me. For instance, I will say, "Detrick, if you do not pick up the planes, then we will not get out Candy Land." So lately when he asks to do something and I say no or maybe later, he says, "Fine. If you don't let me (insert fun thing here), then I won't play (insert another fun thing here) with you." I have told him on several occasions that this sounds VERY sassy and he really needs to not "threaten" his Mama anymore. So today when I said we were not watching a show, he almost did this again, but instead decided to change his response to a simple "okay, Mom" with a smile on his face.

I was so proud of him for making such a good choice. He really is a smart kid and makes good choices very often. So since he was such a sweet boy, I told him we could get a sucker or two for a reward!

Well, then he thought maybe Jude should have a lick or two.

Jude ended up really, really loving the sucker!

So they sat there for a minute, sucking on suckers and being the cutest two boys in the world.

But then I thought, a sucker is probably not the best thing for a 9 month old baby. So I decided to take it away from him. That is when I finally really understood the meaning of the saying, "It's like taking candy from a baby."

Sorry, Jude!!!!

My choices and the opportunities that come from them

I have made my fair share of "mistakes." The reason I put mistakes in quotes is because I really feel that nothing is really a mistake. You make choices and the result of those choices are what creates your personality and your attitude. The choices that result in a not so pleasant outcomes, are simply a way for each of us to learn and grow from that experience. Mistakes are very rarely made, and no matter how terrible the mistake is, there is always a way to spin it into a positive opportunity.

I made the choice shortly after high school to perform acts that were inappropriate for my age and maturity level. I was in over my head and I didn't even know it. Those choices led me to become a mother. Who would have known that my life passion was to be a parent and care for my children!?!? I sure would not have expected it, since kids had never really been my favorite thing. Had I not made this choice that everyone thought was so terrible, I would have wasted several more years of my life being selfish and just plain stupid. Having children is such a huge responsibility and it is very difficult, but I adapted quickly and grew up very quickly. Not that I have to explain that too far, because everyone who knows me can see the huge leaps I have taken in the past few years. I am now married with two children and cannot wait to have another one or two. My husband and I timed our second child perfectly for OUR life plan, even though people believed he was another accident because we had not married yet. But he was definitely planned and came at the perfect time in our life. My husband works full time and supports us financially and then some. I also work and contribute a small amount to our monthly budget. We are both in college and care for ourselves completely. We do not ask for donations, we do not expect others to provide for us, and we definitely do not live off of the government or anyone else. 

As two grown adults, my husband and I are making the choice to have more children. We still live in an apartment but are saving money quickly and plan to buy a home this summer. We are great parents and spend real, quality time with our children. We love one another and love our little family more than anything. We have a small apartment. We have financial debts. We have "for the time being" jobs. We have a messy house sometimes. We have a really crappy car (but also one really awesome SUV!). But we have a plan and we have the means to see that plan through. We agree with each other on most things and respect each other when we do not. My husband and I have both come a very, very long way in the past few years individually AND as a couple. And we deserve all of these things we are working hard for. Some things are still in the works, but how is it anyone else's place to say if we are or are not ready for more children? We are doing things in a non-traditional way, but we are definitely not doing things in a way that could be harmful to our children. We are being safe and smart and have weighed out all pros and cons to every decision we have made thus far. Our duty to our family is to make decisions that will most benefit us as a unit. For our extended family and friends, it is their job to trust us with our own lives and support us in the choices we are making. Not to criticize or tell us we are doing things wrong, simply because we are doing things differently.

And for these choices, know that regardless of the outcome, we will spin it to create the most positive opportunity possible. Maybe it is not a good idea for us to have another child right this moment because of living situations, or because we are still in school, or because we don't have our dream careers yet. But no two people have the same idea of what the perfect plan is, so how can anyone judge what we feel is best? I am beyond excited to say that I will be a young, active, fun mother to all of my children. For me and my husband, having children early is what is working really well! We love it and will make our choices on our own. If people disagree and truly get upset about it, then that is a choice they are making. Those people will have to live with that negativity in their lives. I will not allow that negativity to bring me down, because every "mistake" I have made so far, has had a beautiful outcome.

My Life at THIS Moment

For the most part, I want to use this blog to remember what was happening specifically on these days.  My husband is the greatest man ever and my kids could not be any more wonderful. The stories and experiences we have are overwhelming, so to track them by date will hopefully be effective.

 I think too many people take their life for granted. Too many people get wrapped up in how much money is in the bank, or what they will be doing in 20 years. Even though it is important to be secure with finances and plan for the future, it is also important to live in the moment. It is important to appreciate what we have and what we can do in this life. Just last night, Bobby and I sat down with some chips and salsa, some wine, and a show that we both love. For a minute we both just sat there... looked at each other. Looked up the stairs and listened to our sleeping children. Looked at our food. Looked at our over-sized TV. And just thought... wow.. what did we do to deserve this? And we looked at each other and realized that we are very fortunate to have found one another. I am so thankful for what life has given me.

What is life if we just rush it past us and always look forward or behind? We have to be IN the moment and realize that what we have only lasts for a short time. When something important is happening, or even when you are just feeling down, should we not just look around and see the moment for what it is? Look for the best in things and life will be much more rewarding.

My First Blog

Hello to myself and anyone else who chooses to read my words! This is my first entry of many to come. I am a first time blogger, so it should be a fun ride and I am looking forward to seeing where I end up with my writing. More entries soon and thank you for cooperating with some of my first posts!